Planning for wedding marries rules and etiquette

The Boston Herald 

It's a Southern tradition sent north by my friend, Marianne. I begged for it. I asked a long time ago, even before there was a boyfriend, never mind a fiance in the picture, if some day, when a marriage was being planned in our family, she would make a wedding wreath for my front door.

The wedding is in May. The wreath arrived Tuesday.

It's very Alabama, all white tulle with white ribbon and tiny white silk flowers. If it could dance, it would go only to the finest balls. If it could talk, it would be with a drawl. It's a beautiful thing, hanging between the two front doors.

I love the way it shows the world that something wonderful is happening inside. I love the way that when I look at it, I can almost smell magnolias. I also love that it arrived totally finished, a done deed, and that I didn't have to choose what color ribbon to use or what flower would make it prettier, or where to hang it so it could be best seen.

"Did you get your dress yet?" everyone I know keeps asking me, and I keep saying, "No, not yet."

Have you chosen the color you'll wear?

Not exactly.

Have you decided upon the meal?

No.

What kinds of flowers are you considering? What music? What are the seating arrangements? Where are you sitting and who are you sitting with whom?

We accomplished so much in the beginning. The church, the band, the florist, the organist. Even the wedding gown was a piece of cake. The cake. That's another thing, another choice. What kind? How big? What color? Flowers or no flowers? Real flowers or confectionery? Raised tiers or no tiers? Who should make it and who should cut it and is there a cutting fee and should it be served or put into monogrammed cake boxes?

One friend says the boxes should be reserved for fine hand-dipped chocolates. Another friend says almonds are the tradition.

I say, who made up these things? Almonds or chocolates, does it really matter?

It matters. It matters what kind of invitations you chose because they're the first thing people see and they "set the tone." So it matters that they're pretty and that they say what you want them to say and that the print is neat and that no words are misspelled and that you order extra because you're going to make mistakes addressing them.

Addressing them. That's a whole other issue. All invitations must be addressed by hand in black ink or blue-black ink. Fine. That's easy. However . . . calligraphy is elegant and can be provided by a calligrapher, for a fee of course, and though not necessary, does certainly boost that first impression.

Then there's the correct way to address the invitations, a zillion rules about abbreviations and proper names and how to refer to a widow, a single woman, a separated woman and a boy under age 13.

"If you are inviting the whole family simply include the phrase 'and family' after the parents' name," one book says.

"Avoid using the phrase 'and family,' " another counters.

Once you manage to sift through all this, it's on to how to stuff the envelope gracefully with the invitation, the tissue, the reception card, the tissue, the response card and the response card envelope, which you must not forget to stamp.

As for stamps, they don't have to match the invitations but they should definitely complement them. So much for self-adhesive American flags.

Table linens are supposed to coordinate with the surroundings as well as with the color theme of the wedding as well as with the china and the silverware and the centerpieces, which should be short or tall but never in between and should coordinate with the bridal party's flowers.

Throwing rice is out. Blowing bubbles is in. Prime rib is out. Food art is in.

Enough? Hardly. The wreath on the door is just the beginning.