Life teaches us lessons that cannot be found in any book

The Boston Herald

Beverly Beckham

A schmaltzy, feel-good thing came over the Internet this week. I printed and saved it because sometimes feel-good schmaltz is nice, a kind of flannel for the heart, soft and warm and comforting.

It's a long piece, however, three typed pages, so this is just a sample. The theme is "I've learned." "I've learned - "That no matter how much I care some people just don't care back. That it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. "I've learned - "That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts."

I got to thinking that I've learned a few things too. Some not so soft, but warm still, and useful, rather like an itchy wool scarf.

I’ve earned that: The day after you throw away the coat-chair-ashtray-garden hose you haven't used in five years, you'll need it.

The item you pay full price for today was on sale yesterday.

Coupons are more trouble than they're worth, because they expire before you use them. Or you forget them when they're not expired.

The shortest distance between two points is never a supermarket line.

No matter how much you pay for shoes and no matter how comfortable they feel in the store, they'll hurt.

Dresses shrink in the closet, almost always around the hips.

Cheap candles ruin expensive tablecloths. Yankee candles are worth the price.

I've also learned that: The second you pour milk on your cereal, the telephone rings. And that some people eat the cereal anyway because they don't know they shouldn't chew while talking on the phone.

I've learned a shortcut is never a shortcut, a bargain not always a bargain, the truth not always the truth. "He's not here right now" is a standard lie, right up there with "No, you don't look like you gained a pound," "Why, you haven't aged a bit!" and "I never had sex with that woman."

I've learned: That people "have sex" these days. Which is not to be confused with making love. Because love has nothing to do with it. Which may or may not be the truth. Also, I've learned: That mismatched socks, extension cords and Tupperware tops hang out somewhere together, because they're never where they belong. That there is no moisturizing cream that is a substitute for youth - just as there is no fat-free chip that is a substitute for the real thing. That a phone call in the middle of the night is never a good thing. And that no matter how much you say this will never happen to me, if you live long enough, it will.

I've learned: That roses are overrated. As are Godiva chocolates. And foreign films. And expensive wine. I've learned that: The water bill is always more than you expect. When it rains, the roof leaks. If it's not the roof it's something else. And no matter what a product promises, there is simply no good way to clean grout.

I've learned: That no two people can ever agree on the right temperature in a house. That cell phones are never the bargain they seem. And that clickers and portable phones should come with tracking devices.

I've learned that: It's OK not to finish everything you start - like a book or a movie or a meal. You can't like everyone. And everyone can't like you. Saying thank you is important, and not enough people do it. If you want it to rain, go get your car washed. An open parking space anywhere in the Back Bay has a hydrant next to it. And as soon as you get a kid in a snowsuit, he has to go to the bathroom.

Finally, I've learned: That Hollywood would be without soundtracks if it weren't for the music of the 1960s. That the best books are not always the best sellers. That popularity is nice, but friendship is better. And that the angel Clarence had it absolutely right: No man is a failure who has friends.