Bald men should brush aside hair myths

St. Petersburg Times (Florida

BEVERLY BECKHAM

June 16, 1987

As far as this baldness thing is concerned: Hey, you guys, you're being duped. Whoever told you that bald is unattractive? Whoever said that women lust less after men with shiny tops than those with bushy manes? Why are you so attached to dead cells that grow from holes in your head, that hang limp and lifeless and contribute nothing to your well-being anyway?
 
It's bizarre, if you ask me. It's a huge hoax perpetuated by barbers who like to play on your insecurity and sell you hair thickeners and scalp stimulators; by hair stylists who pull the hair from the back of your head all the way to the front, then plaster it with gel and hair spray and have the gall to charge you $25 for their trouble; by the pharmaceutical companies that concoct all kinds of magic potions to appeal to your sense of virility; and by the helpful therapists who will listen to your woes, tell you about the Samson complex, then suggest that you grow a beard to compensate.

Now, really, guys. Isn't this all a little ridiculous? Do you truly believe that what sprouts from the top of your head deserves more of  your time and concern than the thoughts that breed inside?

Apparently you do. Why else would news about a wonder drug that cures baldness have been in newspapers across the country, including - are you ready for this? - the front page of the New York Times. This should give you an indication of where priorities lie, or at least the priorities of the men - and it is predominantly men - who choose which stories make this prestigious front page.

In any case, the new miracle drug is Minoxidil, and originally was marketed nearly 10 years ago by the Upjohn Company as a treatment for hypertension. One of the side effects of the drug back then was sporadic hair growth - not specifically on the scalp where hair is desired, but between the eyebrows and around the sideburn area and on the back and arms, which you would assume, didn't do a whole lot for the mental health of those fine people (especially women) who were suffering from hypertension. It did, however, give someone in marketing a splendid idea. What if you take this drug, turn it into a liquid and apply it directly to the scalp? What if, miracle of miracles, this Minoxidil is finally the cure for baldness?

It really was no miracle. What happened was just this.

The men began to twitch, their heads to itch./And suddenly some hair started to unhitch./ Just then, a glitch Their backs began it itch,/And then their toes, their feet, their nose Hair in every niche./And oh what happened then was rich…

So there were a few snarls to be brushed out. (Bad pun, but who could resist?) Yet after years of testing and retesting and testing again, modern science got hair to grow where people want hair to grow, which is another curiosity when you think about it. Millions of dollars to perfect a substance to stimulate hair growth on the scalp and millions of dollars to remove hair from the legs and arms. Strange culture, this is.

Anyway, if the FDA approves the drug, and it seems it will, all you bald men soon will be as hard to find as bald eagles. Which is a shame, really. Because bald is not a bad thing to be. Consider, if you will, before you rush out to buy this stuff (it will cost about $ 45 for a month's supply and must be used continuously or the newly grown hair will stop growing and fall out), the many unheralded, unappreciated advantages of being bald.

Bald is clean and neat and doesn't have to worry about whether he should get his hair cut this week or next. Bald doesn't stop to preen in every shop window or spend days trying to decide whether his hair is "normal to dry" or "dry to extra dry." Bald doesn't condition and gel, spray and mousse. Bald has more face that shows, which means more eyes, more smile, more expression. Bald is natural, a part of living, nature's reminder that nothing is permanent, that not even pampered locks last forever.

The bald truth? Bald men are strong, fine-looking, approachable men, just right the way they are. These facts are what need to sink into a man's thick head, not Minoxidil. For a better self-image is what's being sought, not just a head full of hair.