Will someone please pass the pizza

St. Petersburg Times (Florida)

BEVERLY BECKHAM

Fourteen of them arrive at once.

"Yay You have M&M's "

"Can we have something besides pizza? I don't like pizza."

"I like your sweater. Where'd you get it?"

They range in height from 4 feet to 5 feet, in age from 9 to 11.

Only in decibel range are they all the same.

"Can I have a drink?"

"I am not a jerk. Who said I was a jerk?"

"I love the decorations. The balloons are awesome "

For an hour, they eat. They eat $ 44 worth of M&M's. They inhale a punch bowl full of potato chips. They swallow billions of tiny candy hearts that make them so thirsty they gulp gallons of Coke, root beer, orange soda, and - yuk, what is that white stuff - milk?

"When are we getting the pizza?" they shout between burps.

"How about if we play a game instead," I suggest, hoping to buy time. "I'll lock you all in the closet and then go out to dinner.

"NOOOOOOoooooo," the throng replies, then sits down in anticipation of the real game.

Okay. It's easy. I'm going to ask you some questions, and you don't need to shout your answer; just raise your hands, okay?"

Fourteen little heads nod.

All right. First question. How many of you have to make your own beds?"

"I do"

“Me!”

“Me, too My mother even makes me change mine "

So much for the raising of hands.

I continue. How many have to clean toilets and bathtubs? Two. How many make their own lunch? Five. How many have part-time jobs and help support the family? ("Oh, Mummy ") By now, I realize I've done something wrong. My daughter has not yet had her hand up

"All right. Now it's time for the serious questions," I say to my audience. "How many of you watch soap operas?"

Six are not allowed to watch (but one watches anyway), and five say hey watch them every day. Unless they have to stay after school. Then they tape them. General Hospital is the favorite. Santa Barbara comes in second.

"My mother won't let me watch TV except for the news. So I watch it for the commercials," one girl says. "I figure they're better than nothing."

"How many like to read?" I ask, changing the subject. Eleven hands shoot up. Beverly Cleary's Ramona books are everyone's favorite, followed by - are you ready for this? - Sweet Valley High, a series of books that are soap operas in print.

"I hate to read," a non-reader moans. "I have other exciting things to do in my life. I'd rather play outside and get fresh air than be locked in my room with a book."

"You could take it outside and read under a tree," another child suggests.

"What would you rather be," I ask. "President of the United States or Miss America?"

"Miss America " the claque clacks. Only three opt for president.

However - and this is a big however - 12 think that brains are more important than looks. Except in the case of boyfriends. "If they're fat and ugly, forget it," they say.

Their favorite destination, the place they would visit if they could go anywhere in the world? Are you thinking Walt Disney World, maybe? I was thinking Disney World: Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck marching down Main Street, and strains of When You Wish Upon a Star floating through the air.

But nope. Among the Barbie-doll set, Pluto is out and Paris is in.

And so is Paradise Island. And Hawaii. And "a trip around the world."

Eight girls scream and giggle and confess that they like boys.

Seven shrug when asked why, and one says, "'Cuz they're cute and they give you presents and they stick up for you."

She has a lot to learn.

Five don't have pierced ears, one because she did and the holes closed up; one because she "wants to have something to look forward to," two because they have to wait until they're 13, and one who can't get her ears pierced until she gets her braces off. "My mother said it's too much responsibility. So the day I get my braces off, I can get my ears pierced. But first I'm gonna eat a bagel, because I can't eat a bagel for three whole years.”

They worry about school (groan), prefer Burger King to McDonald's (10 to four) and are screaming and yelling for me to put down my paper and pen, stop asking questions and go get the pizza.

Now.