Guys, offer a holiday hand

The Boston Herald

BEVERLY BECKHAM

It arrived in the mail, compliments of a good friend. "Christmas Ease -287 Top Tips for a Delightful Stress-Free Holiday" by Michelle West, certainly piqued my interest, but it was, I thought smugly, just a bit premature. It was only October when I found it in my mailbox. The days were still balmy. Leaves clung to the trees. Roses bloomed on the vine. Christmas was eons away.

I stacked the book on top of another my friend sent, on how to get rid of cellulite. I realize now that if I'd opened both when they arrived I would not be in the shape I'm in today.

According to the chapter "Countdown to Christmas," which I peeked at early this week, I am in big trouble. I was (and therefore you were, too) supposed to have begun planning for Christmas way back in the fall.

These are a few of the things that I (and you) should have already done: We should have updated our address book and card list. (This presumes that we have an address book and card list.) We should have ordered our Christmas cards by now, placed all our catalog orders and assembled all the recipes we plan to use over the holidays.

By the beginning of this month we were supposed to have sent out invitations if we were planning on having a Christmas party. (I was only just getting around to thinking about a party). We should have begun baking and freezing hors d'oeuvres and desserts, and making arrangements to borrow platters, if we need them. (I am not making this up.) And we should have finalized our gift list.

By now, the day after Thanksgiving, we should know not only what events the family will be attending over the holidays, but what everyone will be wearing at these events. (Two questions: Do you know what you're going to wear tomorrow? Do you have any idea what your kids intend to wear?)

"Christmas Ease," let me tell you, is a huge misnomer. It hasn't assuaged my fears. It has made me crazier, not just because it's a compilation of have-to-do, should-do, would-be-nice-to-do lists, but because it blatantly ignores half the human race.

This is a book for women. It's written as if men don't even exist. "Make jam during the summer to give to people at Christmastime. . . Set up an energy-conserving barter system among your friends. If someone loves to bake, offer to run errands for her (my italics) in exchange for some of her fabulous poppy seed bread. . . If you can arrange it, take some time off from work. It will be a lot easier on you if you can do all your shopping in a couple of full days."

You know what would be a lot easier on us, all of us female people to whom this book and a slew like it are directed? If men would pitch in and do their fair share. Where is it written that men can't shop, wrap, deliver gifts, write cards, make cookies and even whip up some jam? Are females so multi-talented that only we have the ability to do these things?

Sure, most guys put up the Christmas tree, and a few even string some lights outdoors. But that's about it. After this it's "Hey! Didn't you get any egg nog yet?" and "When are you going to bake those cookies that look like waffles?"

What "Christmas Ease" is missing is a list for men, this entitled "Give the gift of you."

Before your wife or significant other collapses from exhaustion, offer to make dinner for the family. Cook and clean up.

Come home early one day and volunteer to watch the kids.

Even though you would rather have your skin peeled off with a potato peeler, suggest that you go shopping together.

Offer to write the Christmas cards.

If you're having a party, help prepare for it. Shop for the food. Empty the kitty litter. Be available. The words "What can I do to help you?" will go a long way.

Make friends with the washing machine and the vacuum cleaner and the toilet brush and the coffee maker. Surprise the one you love by helping out without being asked.

Help wrap gifts. It's not difficult.

Take the kids to see Santa or to the movies or bowling or anywhere at all.

Take your wife to see Santa or to the movies or bowling or anywhere at all.

"Christmas Ease" ends with a recipe for cheesecake. I'll end with a recipe for surviving the holidays: Forget the cheesecake. It's the milk of human kindness that people want for Christmas.