No more noodle necklaces

The Boston Herald

Beverly Beckham

My daughter, the 21-year-old, calls them "noodle necklace gifts," the Christmas presents you open every year that you have to pretend to like.

"You know how in school little kids make necklaces out of noodles and bring them home and wrap them up and give to their mothers on Christmas day and mothers act as if they're the best present ever?"

I know. We all know. A noodle necklace from a child is a great gift, a combination of ziti, glue and love. But a noodle necklace from a boyfriend or a husband, a grown man who's supposed to be perceptive and warm and considerate - this is a whole other story.

When I was a freshman in college, I was dating a guy I'd liked forever. On Christmas Eve, before we went out, he sat beside me on my living room couch and handed me a small, square, beautifully wrapped box. I opened it knowing that whatever he'd chosen I'd cherish forever. Inside, under the tissue lay his gift: a plastic Christmas corsage.

I pretended to like it. I pinned it on and said, "Gee, it's really nice. No one's ever given me one of these before. The poinsettia looks almost real, don't you think?" All the while I wondered, what is wrong with him? A plastic corsage? How could he be so insensitive, thoughtless and dumb?

I don't think anything comes close to a plastic corsage on a list of what not to get your girlfriend for Christmas. It stands alone. But the situation was not singular. Every Christmas girlfriends and wives the world over open presents chosen by men they love, men who say they love them, and wonder, "How could he have given me this? Doesn't he know me? Doesn't he care about me?"

A lot of men care. Some just don't know how to show it. Their first mistake is in taking women at their word. For example, a girl shows her boyfriend a picture of a comforter she really wants. He thinks this would make a great Christmas present and orders it. In fact, the girl does want the comforter, but not for Christmas and not from him.

It's the same with irons, electric mixers, dishwashers, dustbusters, ice scrapers, electric brooms and jumbo bean bag chairs. Women may tell their boyfriends and husbands that they'd like these things. And they would - but not under the tree.

What women want on Christmas day is a thoughtful, personal gift totally for them, not something for the house.

"Men need to approach gift giving the way they approach a research paper or a math problem," my daughter says. "They need to ask themselves, what does my girlfriend like? What makes her happy? What does she enjoy doing? What wouldn't she buy for herself?"

This is the key. What wouldn't she buy for herself. Household appliances, humidifiers, bathroom towels, hide-a-beds, etiquette and self-help books, flannel nightgowns, slippers - these are all terrible gifts.

So are perfume (unless you know what she wears and unless it's a perfume set) stuffed animals (unless she collects them) and candy and flowers because they're generic and unoriginal and could be given to anyone.

Women are looking for gifts that show affection: jewelry of any kind, (a locket is especially nice;) picture frames with special photos in them, tapes made of favorite songs or songs that brought them together, a gift certificate for a facial or a make-over, theater tickets or concert tickets or a promise of a night on the town or a planned vacation.

I know a guy who actually packed his wife's clothes, put them in the car, arranged for a babysitter for their three children, picked up his wife from work, drove her to the airport and took her to Bermuda for a weekend.

I know another guy who, because his wife was interested in photography, built her a darkroom and surprised her with it on Christmas day.

These things are thoughtful.

So are a romantic card, a videotape made from old photos, something pretty (nothing flannel or wool - unless, of course, it's cashmere), perfumed soaps and sachets and anything she collects, a book by an author she loves, coupons promising to do the laundry 10 times and the dishes for two weeks and the vacuuming and grocery shopping on occasion.

"I'm not a good shopper," men tend to say. "I never know what to get my wife."

Just stay away from noodle necklaces.