When THE catalog arrives
/The Boston Herald
BEVERLY BECKHAM
The new Victoria's Secret catalog arrived sometime last week, but I haven't been able to get my hands on it until now. The men in my house love the thing. They must have a sixth sense, a kind of male E.S.P. Either that or they secretly phone ahead to find out when the catalog is being shipped, because they always know the moment it's in the mailbox, and grab it the second it arrives.
Once it's in their hands, it's there for days. They clutch it the way a Jehovah Witness clutches a Bible. They study it as if the meaning of life were imprinted on every page. Maybe it is. My son, who's minoring in marketing, says it's the clean layout that fascinates him as well as the crisp writing. But he says this with a look on his face that even I can see through.
My husband claims he's simply doing his research for Mother's Day. Both think they are pulling the wool over my eyes, but neither is.
In any case, all this is another story. I mention the pattern of oh-so-predictable male behavior only because at work it's the same situation. The Victoria's Secret catalog lands on the desk of a female editor and a male editor whose office is a half-mile away, suddenly appears as if by magic, grabs the thing and disappears.
But enough of this. Turn with me now to page 11. Recognize the underthings pictured there? Now flip to an unnumbered black and white page in the middle of the book. Can you believe it? All of these women are wearing girdles!
They are not called girdles, of course. That word has no charm and carries a lot of baggage (no pun intended). These girdle look-alikes are called "body shapers." Now there is a catchy euphemism.
Anyway, the "bike short body shaper," shown in black and modeled by a topless (side and back view only, guys) gorgeous, 20-year-old is, according to the catalog, "essential for a perfect silhouette," and is "made from a superb whisper-light stretch mesh fabric that feels cool and light, while creating a smooth controlled silhouette through the waist and hip."
Now any living, breathing, thinking female knows that there is no such thing as "whisper-light stretch mesh that feels cools and light and also controls." "Control" and "feels light" are mutually exclusive. There is no material that can do both.
The Victoria's Secret model looks cool and light a) because she's hardly wearing any clothes and b) because she doesn't need this body shaper at all. She is light. She is young. She is skinny. There is not an ounce of extra flesh on her. There is no pushed up hip skin bulging above her tiny waist, no thigh bulge, no bulges at all.
Sigh. Groan.
But back to the subject.
Also on page 11 are things called "bike shorts." I assume they're made to be worn under real shorts, but I'm not positive. The catalog says they smooth and control comfortably, which would lead you to believe they are undergarments. However, the catalog also says they have lace on the side and that they are made to match an "aerobic-wear prettier than ever" stretch lace bra, the kind I've seen Madonna wear on her videos. So maybe this is a perfectly legitimate bike riding outfit.
I don't know. I went to Catholic school. If clothing isn't long-sleeved, high-necked and plaid, it's out of my element.
The problem is that almost everything in the catalog is out of my element, except these familiar newly re-named girdles. The bodyshaper pantyhose, which "offer all the control you need," is really just a girdle and panty hose.
"The shape cyncher stretch satin half slip" is really just an old-fashioned pre-pantyhose girdle, minus the steel hooks for nylons.
And the body shaper bike shorts, look exactly like the long-legged Exquisite Form girdles I sold the summer I was 14 and worked in the The Primrose Shop in Quincy Square.
Not one of these things was considered sexy back then. But they look pretty sexy today. Edged with lace, modeled by women with nice figures, available in ivory as opposed to beige, they blend into the catalog quite nicely.
But they are not the thing to order for Mother's Day or for a birthday or for any day.
So men, beware. Don't linger on those pages. And don't order from them please. They will definitely not please the woman you love.
Beverly Beckham, whose column appears Tuesday, Friday and Sunday, is the author of "A Gift of Time" (Host Creative Communications).
