Values: Why think about 'em

The Boston Herald

Beverly Beckham

There's a story my husband likes to tell every now and then when I'm doing something the wrong way, which means I'm doing it my way, and not his.

The story's about a young couple, newly married, who are having their families - parents and grandparents - over for Easter dinner. The bride wants the meal to be perfect so she goes out and buys the best ham and fresh vegetables and makes an elaborate dessert. Before she puts the ham in the oven, she gets a knife and cuts a slice off each end. Her husband looks at the pieces lying on the counter and says, "Why'd you do that?" And she says, "I don't know. Because my mother always does."

The meal's a success. The young husband smiles at his wife then turns to his mother-in-law and asks if there's a secret in cutting a slice off each end of the ham.

"I don't know," she says. "I did it because my mother did it."

So the groom addresses the grandmother: "Why did you cut the ends off the ham?" he asks.

And the old woman replies: "So it would fit in the pan."

I wonder sometimes about all the things we do that are exactly like cutting off the ends of the ham, the judgments we make not out of reason but out of habit, the opinions we espouse that are not ours but society's.

A friend the other day was complaining about kids wearing hats indoors. We were eating lunch and in the booth next to us sat four boys, about 15, all wearing baseball caps.

"They should know enough to take off their hats when they're in a restaurant," she said.

"But why?" I asked. "What difference does it make?"

"It's rude. Men are supposed to take off their hats when they're inside a building. It's a sign of respect."

If they were in a church, I would agree. But in a restaurant? What's the point?

The point is tradition, habit. My thinking that they should take off their hats in a church isn't any different from her thinking they should take them off in a restaurant. In truth, what difference does it make if they wear their hats indoors or not. Who's harmed?

No one.

And yet we judge people by such trivial things.

"Look at that girl. She's got an earring in her nose. Can you believe someone would do that? It's totally gross."

I wouldn't want an earring in my nose, but really, how is an earring in a nose any different from an earring in an ear? Society imposes the difference. The culture in which we live tells us that it's OK to take a needle and puncture a hole in an earlobe but that it's not okay to poke a hole in a nostril. It's nonsense. To billions outside this society, both are a form of mutilation.

The Republicans have put me in mind of punctured nostrils and hats worn indoors and trimmed ham and the habits we hoard.

The Republicans, with their talk last week of God, family and country: There is only one way, our way. This is how you cook a ham. This is where you put your hat. This is how you're supposed to behave. This is the one and only American way.

What they don't seem to understand is there isn't only one way. Not any more. There are countless ways. For America is a melting pot. We are not a nation of people who are all the same. We are a smorgasbord of different nationalities, cultures, beliefs, standards and habits all trying to get along.

The convention divided. The Republicans wallowed in meanness. They not only moralized, they judged.

No doubt many Americans judged right along with them. But I have a feeling that many more went along with the flow, denouncing lifestyles they know little about, mouthing beliefs they've never really considered.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"I don't know. I just do."

"Why do you cut off both ends of the ham?"

"I don't know; I just always have."