My printer needs an exorcist

The Boston Herald

Beverly Beckham

There is something burning in my office. I smell it. Wires. Computer chips. Something electrical.

This is Day 3 of Trying To Get The Printer To Print. It's supposed to be a simple thing. Plug it in. Turn it on. Feed it some paper. Tell it what to print and sit back and relax.

This is not what has been happening.

Day 1: It wouldn't print at all. "There must be something wrong with your cable," the Panasonic technician I phoned told me. "How long is it?"

"About the size of a jump rope," I said.

"How many feet?" he snapped.

I said I didn't know. We hadn't even reached the important stuff and already we were having trouble communicating.

He said I had a bad cable, though I had a just-out-of-the-package, not-even-paid-for cable. "Is it shielded?" he wanted to know.

"I have no idea. All I know is it's new."

He said it was definitely the cable and that once I had the right kind the printer would work exactly as promised.

I wanted to ask him why, if the printer needed a shielded cable, it didn't come with one. Why this wasn't at least mentioned in bold print in the front of the manual. But I bit my tongue, hung up, and did as I was told.

Day 2: The new shielded cable didn't make a speck of difference. My Panasonic KX-P2123 still refused to print. Another technician took my call this time. "Turn on the printer," she said. "Is it on?"

"It's on," I told her.

"Is there - You're not touching the knob, are you?"

"I'm not touching anything. It won't stop scrolling."

"Turn off the printer."

I turned it off.

"Turn it back on."

I turned it back on. The problem continued.

"Disconnect the cable. Reconnect it. Make sure it's tight. Turn the printer on. Insert the paper. Are you touching the knob? Don't touch the knob."

All this to load a single sheet of paper.

Next, it was time to print. I followed the technician's instructions to the letter. I told my computer what to do. I pressed all the right keys. Everything was as it should have been. Still the printer remained mute.

"There's something wrong with the printer. You'll have to take it in to be serviced," the technician said.

"But it's new. I just bought it."

"Then there's something wrong with your computer."

Day 3: I disconnect the new cable and plug in an old cable, and what do you know? The printer starts making sounds. I then call up a file, press "print," and this what I get: CONSCIENCE IS NOT THE VOICCCCCCEEEEEEE OF GODDDDDD;;;;;;; IIT IIS THE GGGGGGGIIIIIIIFFT OF GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOD..

Stephen King is in my computer. I know it. I call the Panasonic people once again, though I think a priest and holy water would help me far more.

This time, even the experts seem stymied. They lead me through the motions. I plug and unplug. Boot and reboot. Press this key, then that key.

NOOWW IISSSS TTTHEEE TTIIIMME the printer says, then the paper starts scrolling again. I shut off the printer.

The technician puts me on hold. "I'm going to have a supervisor get back to you," she says when she returns.

That was hours ago. The supervisor has yet to call back. I've reread the operating instructions, turned on the printer, inserted paper, and got it to print this: FOR ALL GOOD MMMENNNNNNNNNNNN. But now I smell burning.

My brand-new, simple-to-operate printer is going back in its box and back to the store. I still need a printer. But I also need what's missing in America today: instructions that really instruct, explanations that really explain, service technicians who really give service. Or, if nothing else, a printer that really prints.